Today, was the day that everything began to hurt. I honestly really am on the verge to cry even when I'm typing out the title.... but I have to be strong and to finish this one last post about you before moving on and letting you go.
I admit.. I'm really lost at what have happened for the past few days, everything seems to... distant or should I say it was chaotic. I didn't know how to feel I didn't know what you were feeling, how you were doing, how are we going to be once your back how are we going to talk how is this how is that.. A lot of things were in my head, and I swear it's like a fucking circus as if there were so many voices in me telling myself to let go, telling myself to be strong and fight it and another... telling myself to kill myself because I'm not enough for anyone in this world.
I don't know what we could have done to be better, I don't know what we can do to make things better, I don't know how many times I say to myself I will be okay.. to make me really.. okay..to not be hurting to not feel pain to not think about all the memories to not think about you to JUST... finally not have u in my head nor anywhere. I thought so much about you, I think so much about you, I really have never LOVED anyone the same way I did to you.. You were the first for everything but now.. you are just going to be my one sweetest bitter memory that I have to forget to let you go and find the happiness you deserve and for you to be happy all over again.
I don't know what else should I say, I'm feeling terrible so terrible, so lost. What can I do feel better, I want you to be happy with me, not anyone else. I want it to be me with you till the end why does it seem to be so difficult to be with someone you love, you want to be the best for that particular someone, but in someway somehow it just doesn't work. Why were we fighting so hard if it's going to come to an end, why did we put in so much effort in wanting forever with someone to realise that.... what we want sometimes it'll just hurt us back..?
I need to forget you, I need to erase everything we had, the memories we shared, the memories we created, the times we fought thru tough situations the times we cried together the times where we are just so happy with one another even tho there were problems too, but we didn't let it affect us we knew it was just a problem, we love each other and thats the only thing that should matter at the end of the day. I can't seem to let you, I can't seem to let you go to love someone else better, someone new. It hurts me so much to not be able to call you mine, to not be able to call you at anytime when I miss you, to not be able to say I love you nor I miss you. I guess, it's really a goodbye and you are you definitely be me hardest goodbye I have to say. I love you and for just one last time, thank you for making my life less difficult for the past year& months. I'm thankful I'm able to love you and to be in your arms in this life. We may meet again and maybe we'll be better for each other. Thank you, goodbye.. my love
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