goodbye, my bitter sweet love.

I know that just few days ago I posted about you leaving etc..

Today, was the day that everything began to hurt. I honestly really am on the verge to cry even when I'm typing out the title.... but I have to be strong and to finish this one last post about you before moving on and letting you go.

I admit.. I'm really lost at what have happened for the past few days, everything seems to... distant or should I say it was chaotic. I didn't know how to feel I didn't know what you were feeling, how you were doing, how are we going to be once your back how are we going to talk how is this how is that.. A lot of things were in my head, and I swear it's like a fucking circus as if there were so many voices in me telling myself to let go, telling myself to be strong and fight it and another... telling myself to kill myself because I'm not enough for anyone in this world.

I don't know what we could have done to be better, I don't know what we can do to make things better, I don't know how many times I say to myself I will be okay.. to make me really.. okay..to not be hurting to not feel pain to not think about all the memories to not think about you to JUST... finally not have u in my head nor anywhere. I thought so much about you, I think so much about you, I really have never LOVED anyone the same way I did to you.. You were the first for everything but now.. you are just going to be my one sweetest bitter memory that I have to forget to let you go and find the happiness you deserve and for you to be happy all over again.

I don't know what else should I say, I'm feeling terrible so terrible, so lost. What can I do feel better, I want you to be happy with me, not anyone else. I want it to be me with you till the end why does it seem to be so difficult to be with someone you love, you want to be the best for that particular someone, but in someway somehow it just doesn't work. Why were we fighting so hard if it's going to come to an end, why did we put in so much effort in wanting forever with someone to realise that.... what we want sometimes it'll just hurt us back..?

I need to forget you, I need to erase everything we had, the memories we shared, the memories we created, the times we fought thru tough situations the times we cried together the times where we are just so happy with one another even tho there were problems too, but we didn't let it affect us we knew it was just a problem, we love each other and thats the only thing that should matter at the end of the day. I can't seem to let you, I can't seem to let you go to love someone else better, someone new. It hurts me so much to not be able to call you mine, to not be able to call you at anytime when I miss you, to not be able to say I love you nor I miss you. I guess, it's really a goodbye and you are you definitely be me hardest goodbye I have to say. I love you and for just one last time, thank you for making my life less difficult for the past year& months. I'm thankful I'm able to love you and to be in your arms in this life. We may meet again and maybe we'll be better for each other. Thank you, goodbye.. my love

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laybrinth

fresh start?

I guess this is where I say goodbye to you before you come back, I won't be able to say this words to you or can I say the emotions that I have in me if we were to be facing each other now. But I would just want to express my feelings and thought here incase the foolish side of me wants you to read this. 

So, this is where I say goodbye and thank you for all the wonderful memories we made as a couple and also as friends. I didn't know I had to say goodbye to you in such a unexpected timing where we haven't complete or mark the checklist that we have planned. There just seems to be so many things that is a obstacle for us that made our journey a very rough one. 

You were my first love, my very first love that I love with my entire heart with no regrets. I love you for how you smile at me whenever I'm doing silly things, how you get annoyed at me when I'm clumsy, how you always make sure I walk at the safe side of the road and make sure to hug me whenever we are in train because I have to stretch q a distance to reach the handles, how you tend to hug me so tight when the train gets too crowded, how you look at me when something relates to us, how you send me silly videos of yourself just to make sure I'm happy. I am really thankful that in this life i was able to meet you, I was able to love you and I was once able to call you mine. 

Now is this where the heartbreaking moments starts? By me slowly reminiscing all the things we've done for one and another, the sacrifices we made for one another just to make both of us smile and the things we've done together when we go out and get a meal or for a date. We did so many things and you were the first that has no shame about it and is willing to do it with me if not I'll show my baby temper like what you always called it. Having to wake up to you, sleeping and still having your hands over me or to gently use ur arms to pull me closer and to put the blanket over my legs because I'm always freezing with the temperature you sleep in. 

I'm sorry that you got tired of fighting for us, I'm sorry that I couldn't do anymore of the things I do to you in the future, I can't do anything to make us better, nor is there even a us after the day you come back. Monday, the 9th September. I would really love to go to Christmas wonderland with you, have our end of year trip and to celebrate more occasions together. But I guess, humans get tired and you're tired of fighting and having to go thru this kind of things over again. 

But I just hope u know that, I've kept my promise. I didn't leave no matter how cold you treated me, no matter how bad things get at the end of the day I still love you and still didn't mention about leaving you nor breaking up because I know that once I say that, I'm going to lose you forever but I guess like what we know different humans different perspective. You think we won't work out in the future, I know we will. We are both still growing and quarrels are bound to happen to get us understand each other a little better and as day goes by, we will have our rainbow days too. But I guess it's just too late with the decision you made. To end off, I want to thank you for loving me for that 1 year 9 months. Letting you go and having to see you with someone else and them having to get the chance to put their arms around you, it breaks me so much It will tear me apart countless times. I will still be loving you, I will still love you, until someone shows up that they can do a better job than you, thats when I'll be ready to let you go. You will be my favourite memory and my best relationship in my teen days till I turned 20. I'm sorry, goodbye my love.

                   

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